There are a ton of expectations about motherhood seemingly coming from everywhere. We are spoon fed messages about what motherhood should be from family, friends, social media, and marketing campaigns. When we don’t live up to expectations about parenting sometimes we struggle with feelings of guilt.
Traditionally, mothers have been described as being heroic, selfless, available, hardworking, and balanced. The term “good mother” pressures women to conform to particular standards and ideals from which they are judged and judge themselves (Goodwin & Huppatz, 2010).
Standards include things like physical traits, behavior, and employment status. These ideals are outdated and cause harm. For example, mothers are often branded as being happy but in reality 1 in 7 mothers experience postpartum depression or anxiety. When there is a discrepancy between the view of the ideal and actual self this can create feelings of dissatisfaction or shame (Higgins, 1987).
Guilt and shame can result in negative self talk and spiral into depression. If you find that mom guilt is interfering with your day to day life, bring it up to your doctor.
False narratives about motherhood are so pervasive that mothers internalize stereotypes and have been shown to cast judgment on other mothers.
Iowa State University psychology professor Kelly Odenweller (2017) and several colleagues examined how stereotypes define the perception of mothers. What they found is that women judge each other fairly harshly depending on stereotypes.
Women who act warm and caring and avoid aggressive or highly competitive behaviors are liked more and are more likely to be accepted by their peers. Women who defy social stereotypes, however, are often disliked and likely to be met with resistance or even face discrimination from others (Melchiori, 2015).
Things you may be anxious about
- Your own personal experiences – It can be overwhelming attempting to overcome trauma, live up to familial expectations or the opposite, improve on your parents shortcomings
- Judgment from outsiders – unsolicited advice is the bane of my existence. People often mean well, but it doesn’t feel like it. Sometimes a recommendation of what you “should be doing” adds to a deeper anxiety.
- Asking for help – help may seem as an indication of failure, which it totally isn’t. Everyone needs help from time to time and what better way than asking from your community.
Things you may feel guilty about
- Thinking your kids are annoying
- Wanting some time to yourself
- Letting your kids have screen time
- Work interfering with family events
Motherhood brings with it a host of complicated feelings. Parenting stress can feel overwhelming. It can be hard to give yourself grace and let go of expectations.
Mom guilt can lead to chronic stress which can impact your body and mind. It increases the risk for chronic disease and influences behaviors that affect health. Diet, sleep habits, and drug use are all behaviors that are negatively affected by stress.
Chronic diseases linked to stress
- High blood pressure
- Heart disease
- Irritable Bowel Syndrome
- Indigestion
- Immune system disorders
- Anxiety and depression
- Obesity
How to break free from mom guilt
Give yourself permission to care for yourself. Self care can include taking time out for yourself, engaging in pleasurable activities, delegating child care, taking care of your physical emotional health, sleep, rest, and lowering expectations associated with parenting.
Try to avoid comparing yourself to others. It is hard in the age of social media to avoid comparing yourself to others. It is so easy for someone to show the highlights of parenting rather than the challenges. Remember that we often don’t see the full story.
Reach out to your community. Sometimes parenthood feels lonely. It helps to know that you are not alone, your experiences are shared, and normal.
Focus on small victories. When things aren’t going well it can be helpful to remember all the times that things worked out. Try to remember what went right, what you were able to achieve. This can help shift your focus.
It can be hard to give yourself permission to take time away from children but remember, taking time for yourself is best for them too. Lets work on letting go of that guilt so that we can be the best version of ourselves.
